i guess you're gonna miss the panty raid
by randomteenager
Summary: Panty raid? You're talking about girls, right? Girl girls? [Natsu, Gray, Gajeel]
1. i guess you're gonna miss the panty raid

**Author's Note:** Got a request for a bro fic, got struck with this idea outta nowhere, and the resulting silliness happened. I hope you like it!

* * *

><p><em>i. i guess you're gonna miss the panty raid<em>

* * *

><p><em>Crash!<em>

"Ow! What the—"

"Idiot! I thought you'd come in through her window tons of times!"

"I _have_, but since when did she get this huge desk—_ow my toe!_"

"Watch where you're going, flame-brain!"

"Like you can see any better, droopy eyes!"

"Keep your voice down! Are you trying to get us caught?!"

"Caught kicking your ass, yeah!"

"That doesn't make any sense!"

"Does so! You're just dumb!"

Natsu and Gray growled at each other, snatching each other's collars and pressing their foreheads together. They raised their arms, swinging a punch for the other's jaw, but then there was a sudden shuffle in the other room, leading the boys to immediately spring apart and duck behind furniture.

"Flame-head!" Gray hissed under his breath, glaring at the other boy. "I thought you said Lucy wasn't coming home for another few hours!"

"She isn't!" Natsu barked back, turning his ear to the door before lifting his nose in the air and taking a few whiffs. "Oi, that ain't Lucy, that's her next door neighbor."

"That sound came from next door?" Gray asked, slowly standing up as Natsu followed suit.

"Yeah," Natsu nodded, cracking his knuckles before grinning manically. "Now, let's get to the good part!" He leapt over towards her dresser and wiggled his fingers, yanking open a drawer and snatching the sought item inside. "Panties!"

Gray snickered, coming up beside him with his arms crossed over his suddenly shirtless chest. "Nice."

"Man, Lucy has a lot of these…" Natsu murmured quietly, eyes wide in awe as he dug through the rows of underwear assorted neatly by color. "_Whoa_." Lifting a panty in the air, he dangled the thin strap of cloth off his finger. "What's this…?"

Gray, who had been spacing out imagining another certain guild member wearing skimpy panties, casually shifted his gaze to the panty on Natsu's finger, only for his eyes to bug out of his head.

"Dude. That's a _thong_."

Natsu blinked. "It's… stringy," he muttered, pulling on the elasticity.

Gray coughed. "'Cause it's a g-string."

"It's not a shaped in a 'g' though," Natsu stated, closely inspecting the panty before furrowing his brow. "How do you even wear this thing?"

"Use your head, flame-brain."

Natsu stared intently, narrowing his eyes before his face suddenly flamed red. Gray jabbed him in the side with his elbow.

"Your _other _head, idiot."

"Ohh…"

Gray smacked his forehead. "That's not what I—just put it back before your nosebleed gets over everything."

Natsu promptly covered his nose while flinging the panty over his shoulder, shaking his hand as though it had burned him.

Gray rolled his eyes and snorted. "You shouldn't have suggested a panty raid if you were gonna be popping boners at the sight of 'em."

"I've seen Lucy's panties before!" Natsu fired back.

"Aren't you proud," Gray drawled flatly.

"Shut up, ice princess! It's just—Lucy's never worn anything like _that, _I didn't even know she owned that kinda stuff!" He scratched the back of his head, his cheeks matching the rosy shade of his hair. "Why would she even wear—"

"Panty lines."

"Huh?"

"Chicks wear thongs to hide panty lines. And it looks hot." Natsu gave him a quizzical stare, and Gray simply shrugged. "Loke."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"…Does Juvia wear those g-string thingies?"

Gray immediately stiffened, snapping his gaze to his. "What the hell—"

"Her scent's all over you, even outside the guild. But you hide your smell on her 'cause of Gajeel, right?"

Gray twitched. Since when was Natsu so damn perceptive?

"I don't blame ya though. Between the two of ya, he'd own your ass." The boy grinned at him, flexing his arm and clapping a hand over his bicep. "We dragon slayers are pretty tough, ya know!"

"Not so tough on anything with wheels," Gray snapped, sneering at Natsu's glare.

"You know, it's good she doesn't smell like you! You stink bad, and she smells like a sweet vanilla—"

"Have you told anyone?"

"Huh?"

"Have you told anyone?" Gray pressed, scowling.

Natsu scoffed. "It ain't my business. 'Sides, if anyone's gonna be kicking your ass, it's gonna be me!"

Gray rolled his eyes. "You wish."

Natsu ignored him, returning his attention to the colorful goodies laid out in the drawer. Flinging panties across the room, he suddenly paused, staring into space before his face brightened at a brilliant idea.

"I know!" he exclaimed. "Let's raid Juvia's place next!"

Gray jumped. "What—"

"Last one there's gotta eat Erza's last slice of cake!"

"Oi—_Natsu!_"

The pink-haired boy leapt out the window, cackling as he sped down the path to Fairy Hills. Gray speedily trailed right behind him, fully intent on snatching the scarf around his neck and throttling the moron—

"Where are you two idiots heading?"

The boys stopped just outside the girls' dormitories, turning towards the gruff voice to find Gajeel scowling down at them.

Gray instantly tensed. "What are you doing here?"

"I asked you two the same question. Well?"

Natsu closed his eyes and cheekily grinned. "We're going to panty raid Juvia's place!"

Gray's eyes bugged out. "_Natsu—!_"

"You're going to _what_?! _Salamander—!_"

"Don't be such wusses, guys! Her window is right there!"

"You idiot!" Gray seethed through grit teeth, seizing his scarf and glaring at the pink-haired boy. "Don't even think about it!"

"Scaredy-cat!"

"As if!"

"Then what's your problem?!"

"There's no point!"

"Huh?" Natsu squinted. "What d'ya mean?"

Gray twitched, ignoring Gajeel's glare boring holes through his head. "Let's just hit someplace else. We're not going to find anything."

"Why's that?" Natsu pressed.

Gray's eyes flashed as his hand curled into a tight fist. Of all the times for Natsu to be dense as hell—

"Why do you _think_," he ground out.

Both dragon slayers stared at him, one in genuine confusion and the other in building aggravation. Gray shook in annoyance.

"Seriously? Do I need to spell it out for you?"

Their gazes trained on him, wordlessly expectant. Gray's eyebrow twitched.

"Fucking—she doesn't _wear _any, okay?!"

A heavy silence followed, reigning in the air for several moments before it was broken by Natsu.

"…_Ohh_," he said.

Meanwhile, steam puffed out of Gajeel's nose. "HOW WOULD YOU KNOW, STRIPPER FUCK?"

Gray tensed. "Oi, don't give me that look! Sometimes her dress tears in battle, and since there's never a panty line I just figured—"

"You were looking?!"

"Her legs were looking at me!"

"You _bastard_—"

"Gajeel-kun…?"

Gray immediately froze, instantly recognizing the soft whisper as his gaze snapped to the apartment window.

"Gray-sama…?"

Juvia was leaning over her windowpane, drowsily rubbing one eye with her elbow propped against the windowsill. Her hair was slightly disheveled, curled messily around her face while a strap of her nightgown slipped off her shoulder.

"Hi Juvia!" Natsu beamed, waving at her.

Juvia glanced at him, yawning quietly. "Oh, and Natsu-san too…"

"Juvia!" Gajeel barked, but the girl was unfazed by his irate tone. "Did you show the stripper your panties?!"

Gray's face immediately reddened. "Oi, what the hell?!"

"Hm?" the girl hummed, blinking sleepily.

"Hey Juvia," chimed in Natsu, "do ya have any food—"

"How does the stripper know you don't wear any panties?!"

"_Dude!_"

"Please lower your voice, Gajeel-kun…"

"Hm, do you think there are any restaurants open now—"

"Juvia!" Gajeel shouted when the girl began dozing off in her arms. "Answer me! How does he know—"

"Shh," she hushed, rolling her cheek on her arm. "Gray-sama slept with Juvia last night, Gajeel-kun…"

Gajeel stiffened.

Gray paled.

Natsu's stomach growled.

"…He _what_?!"

"Uh—it's not what you think—"

"Stripping_ fucker__! _Her scent's all over you!"

"I can explain—"

"Does Gray-sama want to sleep over again…?"

"…"

"PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON, STRIPPER—"

"Could really go for some meat now, guys—"

"Gray-samaa~ Juvia's waiting~"

"I'LL KILL YOU—"

"Gajeel-kun," Juvia whined in a sleepy murmur, exhaling a soft sigh. "Please don't kill Juvia's boyfriend…"

The man violently twitched. "_Boyfriend?!_"

"Shit," Gray muttered, his boxers idly pooling around his ankles. "So much for keeping it a secret, Juvia."

The girl yawned before blinking dreamily. "Juvia loves you, Gray-sama…"

"Yeah, yeah," he mumbled, his mouth lifting in a half-grin as he stepped out of his boxers. "You're gonna get it when I get back."

"Ooh, Gray-sama~"

_"—_Like hell you will! You ain't givin' her _shit_—!"

"Has Juvia been a bad girl~?"

"RAIN WOMAN—!"

"Oh yeah. Very bad."

_"POPSICLE—"_

"Ahh~ What's Gray-sama going to do to Juvia~"

"GO BACK THE FUCK TO SLEEP, SPRINKLER—"

"M'gonna throw you over my knee, lift up your nightgown and—"

"_Ahnn, _Gray-sama! Just like last time—?"

"—THAT'S IT, YOU'RE DEAD ICE CUBE—"

_"_Can you hold on a second? _Ice-make: floor!"_

The two dragon slayers slipped, Natsu landing on his stomach while Gajeel fell on his back.

"Ow!" Natsu yelled. "My toe!"

"FUCKIN'," Gajeel roared, struggling to stand, "GET BACK HERE, STRIPPER FUCK—"

Gray snickered, smirking to Juvia and giving her a parting salute before dashing away. The girl sleepily waved back, smiling adoringly while Gajeel attempted to chase after him. Natsu steadily got to his feet, holding a hand over his stomach and whining as it growled once more.

"Hungry…"

"Natsu-san~"

He sniffed before snapping his head up, finding Juvia smiling and dangling a bag of open chips. Beaming widely in appreciation, he leapt to her window, snatching the bag before tackling inside.


	2. anything you can do i can do better

**Author's Note:** Happy Thanksgiving everybody! Have part two of this silliness. I don't plan to make this a long series as I only have a few more ideas in mind, but future ones will be added if I happen to get more ideas, that's all :) I'm kinda eh about how this turned out, but I hope you like it!

* * *

><p><em>ii. anything you can do i can do better<em>

* * *

><p>Leaning his cheek against his palm, Gray watched Juvia walking towards Lucy, carrying a warm drink in her hands. The subtle sway of her hips was mesmerizing, his eyes trained on the glimpse of her legs peeking through her high slit skirt with every step she took.<p>

Those legs… those same legs that'd been straddling his hips just last night, her body on top of his with her hips rolling in vicious grinds, back and forth and up and down—

"—that right, Gray?"

"Huh?" the ice mage said, snapping out of his thoughts. He shifted his gaze towards Natsu, blinking his half-lidded eyes. "Yeah, sure, whatever."

"Really?!" Natsu exclaimed, making Gray raise a brow at his chortling grin. "So you think dragon slayers are better than devil slayers?!"

Gray narrowed his eyes. "What are you—"

"Ha!" bellowed Natsu, shooting up and pointing an accusing finger in Gray's face. "I knew you weren't listening, ice princess!"

Gray scoffed, shoving Natsu's hand out of his face. "Shut up before I kick your dumb ass, flame-brain."

"Keh, like you'd even land a hit, all dazed out like that," Natsu replied, sitting back down and folding his arms behind his head. "What's up, huh? What's your deal?"

Gray said nothing, drifting his gaze back towards Juvia and Lucy while Natsu followed suit.

"_Oh_," the dragon slayer muttered. "I get it now."

Gray met his gaze for a moment. "Do you."

Natsu beamed a toothy grin. "Oh yeah! You're staring at Lucy and goin', 'Wow, Natsu is way cooler than my lame frozen ass, getting to be with a girl like that—'"

"I'm lookin' at _Juvia_, jackass," Gray muttered, shooting Natsu a flat look. "Last night, she was riding me, and it was…" He diverted his eyes once more, returning to Juvia's long, shapely legs. "Perfect for feeling up those legs, ya know? Ain't nothing like it."

Natsu stared, silent for a few moments before his eyes trained on Lucy. "Yeah…"

Gray arched a brow. "What, you like Lucy topping you too?"

"Hell yeah," he grinned, lifting his hands to his chest and making a circular motion before squeezing suggestively. "Boing boing, right?"

Gray snorted, rolling his eyes. "Hardly compares to Juvia. Have you seen her hips? Perfect for grabbing while she's riding me to oblivion."

"Lucy's still better!" Natsu huffed.

"Wrong again—you wouldn't believe what Juvia can do with her hands and mouth."

"You sayin' Lucy's not good?!"

"Probably not as good as Juvia."

"Nuh-uh! She writes and stuff, so she's got a crazy imagination!"

"…and you think Juvia doesn't?"

Natsu faltered for a moment, averting his gaze before slamming his fist against the table. "Lucy's got a nice ass!"

"So does Juvia," Gray countered. "Nice legs always have a great ass."

Steam shot from Natsu's nose. "Yeah, well, Lucy's boobs are _huge!_ Way bigger than Juvia's."

Gray snorted. "As if, and besides, Juvia's legs are way longer."

Natsu stood up, "Lucy smells good!"

Gray stripped off his shirt, "Juvia's softer!"

"Lucy's warmer!"

"Juvia's literally wet all the time. How many times you gotta get Lucy in the mood?"

Natsu widely grinned, and Gray narrowed his eyes.

"Forget it, I don't wanna know. S'like hearing about your little sister—"

"She practically jumps me when we get back to her place—"

"_Shut it—_"

"_Especially_ after jobs—and during jobs—and sometimes even before jobs—"

"What's the longest you've lasted with her?"

Natsu paused, narrowing his eyes while Gray grinned smugly in return. "What's the longest _you've_ lasted?"

Gray smirked wider, "Too embarrassed to admit it?"

Natsu flared. "No! It's longer than you!"

"Oh yeah? Longer than three hours?"

Natsu blinked, "That's it?"

Gray scoffed. "Yeah. Three hours—and a minute."

"HA! I got three hours and _two _minutes!"

"I MEANT THREE MINUTES—"

"WELL I MEANT FOUR—"

The two growled at each other, teeth bared and foreheads pressed together.

"I bet you couldn't last all night!" Natsu barked.

"Like that's a challenge!" Gray sneered.

"WHOEVER LOSES HAS TO STEAL ERZA'S ARMOR!"

"YOU'RE ON!"

The two sprung apart, turning simultaneously to Lucy and Juvia who had glanced over during the commotion.

"Juvia!" Gray called. "We're leaving!"

"Eh?" the girl peeped, squeaking when he suddenly stormed over and threw her over his shoulder. "G-Gray-sama—!"

"We're leaving too!" Natsu huffed, dashing to Lucy and lifting her bridal style.

"Natsu!" Lucy scolded, pushing against his chest. "What're you doing?! Put me down—!"

"Lucy-san!" Juvia called, reaching towards the girl. "Gray-sama, Juvia was speaking with Lucy-san! Why did you—"

"Juvia," he cut in, and she immediately silenced, blushing under the intensity of his stare. "Save your voice. You're gonna need it when you're screaming my name"—he glared directly to Natsu—"all night long."

Natsu glared right back, drawing Lucy closer to his chest. "Yeah?! Well Luce, I hope you slept a lot, 'cause you're not getting a bit of sleep tonight!"

"_Ahh_, Gray-sama~!"

_"__Natsu—!"_

"Don't snore too loud when you pass out in the middle of it, flame-brain!"

"Like you'll even get it up with your blue balls, ice-princess! I'm all fired up!"

Growling, both boys whisked the girls away, zipping past an irate Gajeel who stared mutely ahead. He sat with his arms crossed tersely over his chest, fist clenching against his arm while Levy turned the page of her book, oblivious to the whole spectacle.

"Oi, shrimp," he muttered, prompting her to glance at him. "You're not getting any sleep tonight either."

Levy froze, her face reddening while her book slipped from her hands.

* * *

><p>The next day, Gray strolled into the guildhall, grinning proudly with his head held high. He hoisted Juvia higher against his back as she slept against his shoulder, drawing soft breaths while his hands gripped her thighs.<p>

"Yo!" Natsu shouted, rushing over to the ice mage. "Did ya—"

"Shh!" Gray hissed, shooting him a glare. "Keep it down, moron! Can't you see Juvia's sleeping?"

Natsu glanced at her, quirking a brow before scratching his hair. "Still? But it's lunchtime! And why're you carrying her?"

Gray smirked. "Whady'a think, she barely slept last night and she's too sore to walk."

"Sore 'cause she had to do all the work, right?"

"Ha, fuck you too—"

"Can you guys _keep it down!_" Lucy screeched. The boys glanced over to her, finding her slumped over Mira's table with dark bags under her eyes.

Gray squinted, "What's with her?"

Natsu turned towards him and proudly beamed. "She didn't get any sleep either!"

Silence fell between them as they both looked at one another, confusion slowly crossing their faces.

"…So who won," they muttered.

Natsu blankly stared while Gray simply shrugged, hoisting Juvia higher against his back.

After a few moments, Natsu suddenly brightened, flashing a wide, toothy grin. "I know!" Gray arched a brow as Natsu's eyes gleamed. "I bet I can make Lucy scream way more than you could make Juvia!"

Gray twitched, "Are you kidding me—"

"COUNT IT, or else you have to steal Cana's alcohol!"

The ice mage snorted. "You know there're numbers higher than ten right."

"I _know_! I can count to twenty, you ass! But Lucy's gonna scream way more than that!"

"Probably screaming to get it over with."

"YOU'RE JUST AFRAID TO LOSE!"

"BRING IT ON, FLAME-BRAIN!"

"…Gray-sama…?"

"Hang on tight, Juvia!"

"E-Eh?!"

She squealed when he suddenly dashed out of the guild, her skirt flying up behind her.

"LUCY!" Natsu shouted, flames springing from his mouth as he snatched her wrist.

"NOT AGAIN—!" she cried, flinging behind as Natsu tore out the door.

Once more, Gajeel found himself sitting in the corner, having silently watched the bickering exchange while irately tapping his foot. Levy sipped on a drink beside him, holding the small teacup in both her hands.

"Shrimp," he mumbled as she tilted the teacup back, swallowing the contents. "Make sure you drink some honey for your throat."

Levy choked on her drink.


End file.
